As I sit by your bed, I cry. Big tears silently run down my cheeks as I talk to you, stare and marvel at your every move and love you. But I wonder, why? Oh, I know the whole hormones are a little crazy, this was a little unexpected, a little overwhelming, but why? When we have so much to be grateful for as we look at the other babies in the NICU.I realized last night..........
You are my (our) last baby and I lost out on 6 weeks of carrying you inside me and rejoicing in your every kick and turn. I didn't get to work so hard to get you out and be almost the FIRST to see you. I didn't get to touch and love your slimy body as you were just minutes old. I wasn't the first to change your diaper or feed you or kiss your cute little cheeks. There hasn't been hours of snuggling close as we try to figure this nursing thing out together. Your cutest big brother and sisters can't even see you or meet you. For pete's sake - I haven't even held you yet.
So why do I cry - because of what I missed out on. This isn't what I pictured or dreamed of. But what I've got is better than that. I've got you Abby, safe and sound. Growing bigger and stronger each day. Being helped by angels who are (almost) as good as mom. So please just excuse the tears as mom is having some of her own growing pains.
PS I got to change a poopy diaper today! yahoo!!!
7 comments:
So I am crying with you as I read this post. I so wish that we lived closer so I could come over daily and help and give you a BIG hug. Praying for you daily.
Amy, I feel your pain. I have had the same experience you are having. My first borns arrived at the beginning of March 1980 and not after mothers day like scheduled. But to make matters worse it was 2 not 1.
But what I learned from that experience was; girls born earlier had a better success rate of surviving and living a full life. And that there are unseen angels who watch over our babies and comfort them when are arms can't.
So take comfort that Abby is growing and will soon be home.
You, my friend are amazing. Thank-you for sharing your thoughts with the world and for letting us be there with you. I will never truly understand what you're feeling or what you're going through, but I do know that God has a plan. He always does. Enjoy that "last" little baby and all of these new experiences. The bond that the two of you share will be unique and so very different from your others. I love you very much and even though we're about a million and a half miles away from each other .. you'll always be my "bestest". Be blessed my friend!!
Oh Amy,
I wish I could come and give you a big hug. I hope that you can hang in there. You are an awesome Mom and when you do get to hold her she will instantly know you and fall in love with you all over again. My prayers are with you.
Thanks for making me cry! I was wondering if you had been able to hold her yet. My heart is both happy and sad for you. I'm so glad Abby is alive and doing well, but so sad that she is missing out on being held by you, snuggled by you. Don't worry though, Amy. She doesn't need those things right now in order to know you love her. I'm sending lots of prayers your way. Love you!
So, I guess I'll have to go and re-apply all the mascara that is running down my cheeks right now. I was so shocked when I heard about little Abby...and so grateful too. I am so proud of you for following your feelings and being in tune with the spirit. Such a good lesson for me to learn. I hope all is well with you and your sweet babe, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you.
So happy everythign worked out! A true miracle -= YAH! Be sure to love yourself during this tough time - so many people depend on you. We are praying for you guys.
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